I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
