There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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