I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
