She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
