i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
