I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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