I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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