From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
