Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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