I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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