why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
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