I can't breathe out the right side of my face
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
