I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Randomize
