I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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