If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
