I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
