he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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