i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
