so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
