That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
