I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
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