STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
