one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
