i don't plan on having that self control this summer
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
