My first STD was from a foam party
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
