I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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