i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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