stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
