I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
