HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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