I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
