We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
