He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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