At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
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