so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
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