please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
