I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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