threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
