The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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