SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Everyone says I win the strip club
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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