new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
