i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
