I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
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