I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
