He asked to "fluff my boner.."
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
