does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
