his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
This is the prime rib incident all over again
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
