I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
