i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
