how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize