My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
