She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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