My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize