Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
