Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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