Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
