i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
