Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
