Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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