I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
